Ideology vs Ambition

This is a monologue I have been having with myself and I guess a dialogue I have been initiating with others that has been background noise in my thoughts for quite a while, but was recently thrown to the limelight when I was asked the question at a party:

"Would I move to London, or would I scrape off hairs from the toilet bowl in the central bus station in Jerusalem?"

When I answered the question emphatically, "Move to London", I was informed that I am not Zionist.

Hmmm, I think to myself, here I am standing in Jerusalem thousands of miles away from my family and friends that I grew up with, and this person has the audacity to call me unzionistic - because by his standards, I would leave the country if the only work available to me is a cleaner. It bothered me that this person was willing to criticise me when he knows nothing about the contributions that I have made towards promoting Israel as I was growing up and merely the fact that I am standing and I am here living in Israel as he makes this comment to me I found to be quite offensive. I know he was saying it for a reaction and here's my reaction.

I'm sorry I think I can make a larger contribution to society on top of just existing here.
I'm sorry that I actually want to use my degree...and I am really proud of the fact that I have made Aliyah and I work in an Israeli environment, in my profession...a statement that not every Oleh can claim....because at the end of the day it is really hard, Israel is a developing country and it's economy reflects this...

At the crux of this is the issue I feel is that people who live here have made sacrifices to be here and have essentially placed ideology as the major priority. People die in order to live here and defend the country, which means emotions are running high and they get defensive...I am trying to understand this position. I think people sometimes see the grass as greener on the other side. Israel has a tough economic status and when you hear how successful your friends are doing and the opportunities that they have that you perhaps don't, perhaps you might feel that you are missing out and therefore need to make a statement about how fulfilled you feel you are,because you 'just exist here'.

I love Israel and I think it's really cool to be here but I grew up in an environment where I had a good education, and where all my friends went to University. Aspiring to achieve something great, realising your potential and giving your best was a culture ingrained into my identity. Hand in hand with this in my home life, Israel was always discussed at the dinner table, updates on the political situation were always going on, the Jerusalem Post and Jerusalem report were delivered to our doorstep and intellectual articles about the 'the matsav' were always lying around the coffee table.

It has everything to do with priorities Ideology vs Ambition.
For me I am quite comfortable to say that I would not be happy just living here. Ideology is a major priority of mine and I have placed it very high up there on my list, but I can not ignore my other internal desire, - the ambition to achieve something for myself on top of my address and post code. I think people underestimate this internal struggle and do not give enough credit to the toll this struggle creates within the soul.

So yes I would leave if there were no career prospects for me - and I don't think this makes me 'un-zionist' I think it makes me a balanced person. I would feel really degraded if all I could do was clean a toilet. While some people might find this insulting - and I apologise to them - for me it's what enables me to got to sleep at night... you know....success...

For me, Ralph Waldo Emerson encapsulates this - 'to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded' - I know for myself I have taken a very literal interpretation, but that is what resonates with me. I know how I am measuring things is not how others do, and for the person who would prefer to clean the toilet and just exist here, he may be feeling personally fulfilled, but I guess I have an 'Alpha Female' side to me and I really can not relate to the 'Omega', call me a snob but I will always view this person as beneath me.

Flower Power

Today is Australia day...I was walking past the flower shop...nostalgic...thinking I guess no one else is going to buy me any (except for that mysterious incident see previous blog DMCTJYM)...I noticed some colourful poppies, even though they weren't in 'green and gold', I decided to purchase them anyway...and now as I think of the sunburnt country...I look at my 'tall poppies' waiting to be cut down to size.

For further explanation: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tall_poppy_syndrome

Fried Green Tomatoes

I had coffee with a mere male the other day. He ordered a ‘Local Salad’ from Café Hillel. It comes with Smoked Salmon and other general salad staples including tomatoes. By the end of the time allocated to our sorti – I noticed that he had left all the tomatoes on the side.
I questioned “Do you not like tomatoes?”
He responed “No, I don’t really care for them. Do you?”
I replied automatically “I love them with basil, for example in Bruschetta.”

I had a flash forward of my life without tomatoes: In summer the thought of not serving Gespatcho soup for Shabbat Lunch was outrageous. What about Sun-Dried Tomatoes on the Anti-Pasto plate at Pesach? Tomatoe salad for Shabbat lunch. Minnestrone soup in Winter. Tomatoe Sauce with potatoe wedges. Tomoatoes in Israeli salad. Fried tomatoes with an omelette on a Sunday morning….Tomatoes in pasta sauce! The list goes on…

It was at this precise moment that I realised that it’s never ever gonna work out with this guy…I think we will always be friends but…

Even though I had waited 4 months for him to come to Israel to see me, and I had said no to any other relationship in the meantime.
Even though when he offered me NO support last week when I was sick and my grand-mother had died.
Even though he had said to me that he was too immature for a commitment, when I had never even mentioned the word.
Even though I believed him when he said he would miss me.
Even though I can’t believe he is only down the road but I know he won’t come over and give me a hug when I need it.
Even though he has never played the ‘Yichus’ game with me (similar to jewish Geography but you try and out do the other person by stating who is the oldest famous/respected Rebbe that your family is related to)
Even though he has done everything to make me hate him in the past week.

It dawned on me that we are just not meant for each other because if he doesn’t eat tomatoes, I guess he just isn’t a real man…(How would we travel Italy?).

For all those conversations that I have to suffer through alluding to the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend perhaps because I really have horns or I am an alien or something…at least I can now say that it is because I can’t be seen with someone who can’t eat tomatoes.

I guess it’s one of those personal hashgafot that you don’t realise is not negotiable until it unfolds in front of your eyes…

It's Mabo, it's the Constitution, it's the vibe.

Generation to Generation

I am so sorry I will not be there to say good-bye, to hold your hand and be with you.
Even with my absence, I hope that my presence will give you strength; you always say that I am just like her - obstinate, determined and independant. I know that because of decisions she made, I am here today and I am appreciative.

G-d, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.